Part 4 - On being Black and dating

Author

Kat C.
January 09, 2025

Racism and microaggressions in the dating world

Before you start reading the articles below, you might find it helpful to learn about the origins of the term "microaggressions." See Harvard’s Chester Pierce was trailblazer in his field and on the field (Jeff Miller, Andscape, Sept. 29, 2016), and Chester Middlebrook Pierce, M.D.: A Life That Mattered (Ezra E. H. Griffith, , M.D., Psychiatry Online, Oct. 28, 2016).

Race play, BBC, QoS, and racial tropes

This section has been moved to a separate post, "Let's talk about QoS."

No, you can't touch my hair!

In addition to the material below, there's an extensive list of articles here. See “Regarding Black hair,” under "Cultural appropriation."

Okay, I get it. As white people, we don't always think before we act. We're like little kids in a sculpture museum, always needing to touch. Only we're not little kids. We're adults. Most of us have been socialized not to touch people or their things without permission, and yet, somehow, Black women's hair doesn't get the same respect.

Why is that? Why do white people feel a need to touch Black hair — with or without asking permission? After all, when was the last time you felt compelled to randomly touch a white woman's hair? We're not little kids any more. It's past time for all of us to grow up and keep our hands to ourselves.

So don't even ask....

  • Back to Natural: A Documentary Film, 2019 (69 minutes), currently available free with ads on YouTube. (Through interviews and historical footage, director Gillian Scott-Ward explores Black Americans' complex relationship with their hair, as well as our country's ongoing history of hair-based repression and discrimination.)

  • Twisted Locks of Hair: The Complicated History of Dreadlocks, by Kyle Ring, Esquire, Oct. 2020. ("Hair is not just hair, it's identity.")
    NOTE: According to my research, the preferred spelling is "locs."

  • Dear Racist White People, My Hair Is Not A Toy And My Body Is Not A Zoo, by Sughnen Yongo-Okochi, Yahoo! Opinion, Oct. 13, 2022. ("[I]t is a complete violation to casually rub your palms through a person’s hair while in conversation....")

  • White Women on #TeamNatural? No, Thanks, opinion piece, Ebony, Jun. 30, 2014. ("Hair is emotional territory for many Black women and while we may be able to share products with white women, we needn’t share a movement that should be centered on overcoming the unique challenges that are thrown our way because of white people.")
    NOTE: This article isn't going to explain all the reasons why Black hair should be given its own space in the fashion world. There's a larger context that's difficult for me to outline in this small space — and also, despite reading extensively on the subject, I'm not confident enough in my own knowledge. But as of today, I've also added hair-related articles here, under "Racism and the beauty industry" and here, under "Cultural appropriation." Together (and combined with other articles under those subheads), they form a contextual package. Please read them all.

What can we do to make Black people feel welcome at events?'

  • "The signature traits of an inclusive leader" — including those who want to make lifestyle events more welcoming for Black kinksters. A picture, posted by Kat.

  • "Five ways to foster inclusion," a series of five pictures, posted by Kat. The series begins here.

On the need for Black-only spaces

  • Why People of Color Need Spaces Without White People, by Kelsey Blackwell, The Arrow, Aug. 9, 2018.], by Kelsey Blackwell, The Arrow, Aug. 9, 2018. (This article addresses the need for Black-only spaces on so many levels that it should be required reading. The author discusses how it feels to be a Black person in a Black-only space, and as well as the multiple dynamics of white society and white privilege that make Black-only spaces so vital. Perhaps more importantly, her overall message is that Black-only spaces actually benefit anti-racism efforts. I hope you'll read her words with humility, and with a kind, open heart.)

  • Why there’s nothing racist about black-only spaces, by Charlie Brinkhurst-Cuff, The Guardian, May 30, 2017.

Reading lists